ESSAY • THAT'S ME IN THE LITTLE BLUE CIRCLE: A STORY ABOUT NOT SURFING // WELLNESS, MEMOIR

Me and my surfer friend at Mondos Beach, California, 2011. Photo by Jay McDade.

See those tiny dots in the little blue circle?

Allow me to zoom in.

That’s me on the left.

My shoulders are in my ears because the water is freezing. At the time this picture was taken, I was in Southern California, a place with beautiful people, warm sunshine, and apparently — cold water. At least at this beach, on this day, it was freezing.

My friend — she’s the one on the right — lent me her neoprene booties for the afternoon. You see, her extra wetsuit wouldn’t fit me. Let’s just say I’m more like the women in the paintings than in the fashion magazines.

Being the sturdy Canadian that I am, I donned the booties, appreciated the tiny modicum of protection they provided, and braved the take-your-breath-away ocean.

I paddled. I listened to the gentle encouraging words my friend spoke to me, and I laughed at myself.

I didn’t get up on the board. But…I tried.

Was it a failure?

Nope.

Was I a failure? Nope.

Did I give up too early? Maybe.

Even if my attempt at surfing was a failure that day, I’m grateful to have failed. Failures can be pretty damn great. They can very quickly remind us that we’re human.

They can take us out of our heads and put us back into our bodies so we can be reminded of our mortality and fragility. They can be our greatest teachers, as they can force us to reexamine everything. They can cut us, revealing the best gifts deep inside the gashes.

In some ways, I wish I could go back to that day and try harder. Some days I beat myself up and think, ‘if I had only done more yoga I’d be stronger and more flexible and able to ride that first wave.’

Some days I allow these types of thoughts to permeate my psyche and I wallow in them for hours.

And I can wallow hard, people. I practically invented wallowing.

Ok…I didn’t invent it, but you know what I mean.

So, what is this story about not surfing all about?

Well, it’s about doing something.

It’s about putting on those booties and wading into the water. It’s about courage. It’s also about not hating yourself. It’s about learning from your failures.

Someday I’ll surf. Until then, I will try to approach each new thing in my life with more courage, more self-love, and more forgiveness. I’ll try not to give up so soon. I’ll wrap myself in a warm blanket after plunging into the cold water.

I’ll try.

I’ll do things.

Because I’m not a failure. And neither are you.

Yours swimmingly,

Heather

Medium, October 2017.